


A Terrible Time to Fall in Love

by growup_thatbeautiful



Series: Rat King & Mullet Boi at College [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Abusive Neil Hargrove, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Boys In Love, Homophobia, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Neil Hargrove Being an Asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28041705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/growup_thatbeautiful/pseuds/growup_thatbeautiful
Summary: Billy and Steve aren’t friends. Sure, they acknowledge each other existence, but they don’t really know each other.But, no one has to know if they sleep together once or twice, right? No one has to know either one of them has fallen hard?Why communicate when being mad is so much easier?
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Dustin Henderson/Suzie, Eleven | Jane Hopper/Mike Wheeler, Jonathan Byers/Nancy Wheeler, Joyce Byers/Jim "Chief" Hopper, Maxine "Max" Mayfield/Lucas Sinclair, Robin Buckley/Original Female Character(s), Tommy Hagan & Carol Perkins
Series: Rat King & Mullet Boi at College [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168097
Comments: 16
Kudos: 67





	1. Wistful Thinking

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first fic, so please let me know what you think! this chapter is kinda all over the place, but at this point i don’t really care.

“I’ve spent a lifetime running”  
And I always get away  
But with you I’m feeling something  
That makes me want to stay”  
-Writings on the Wall, Sam Smith

Steve isn’t a fan of parties. Sure, they were fun when he was a teenager in a town with nothing else to do, but those days are past him. Loud noises and sweaty people aren’t really his thing.

He doesn’t even know whose house he was at. Could be a fucking sorority house, he has no idea. Steve doesn’t see anyone that he knows at first, but then he spots Dustin and his friends in a corner of the room. They’re a bunch of nerds, but Steve hasn’t cared about that bullshit in a while. They’re his nerds. Not since high school. Before, well, shit hit the fan in Hawkins. 

He takes a sip from whatever cheap drink is currently in his red solo cup. Jesus, it doesn’t even taste good. He takes another sip and leans back against the wall, surveying the crowd around him. He sees El and Max dancing awkwardly and trying to pull in Dustin's new girlfriend, Suzie. She seems sweet enough, and Dustin is completely smitten with her. He’s honestly a little surprised to see any of them here in the first place. They’re not really the party type, but then again neither is he. 

He lets his eye keep wandering, and he finds Robin. She catches his eye from across the room and flips him off with a grin. She’s draped herself over a girl who Steve thinks is named Sofia, but he’s not entirely sure. She might even be Robin’s girlfriend. All he knows is Robin spends most of her time away from their shared apartment, not that he minds. He loves her, but it’s nice not to have someone constantly insulting him, no matter how good-natured and enduring it’s meant to be. Waving back at her, he makes his way over to her and Sofia. On the way someone bumps into his shoulder. 

“Ah shit, sorry. I didn’t see you there-“ Brown eyes meet steely blue ones, Steve’s heart skipping a few beats at the sight of the man in front of him. 

No one can deny that Billy Hargrove is stunning. His sun-tanned skin was always on display for the world to admire thanks to Billy’s apparent dislike of covering up. There’s something about him that makes Billy always seem just a little too real, his colors bleeding into the world with vigor. He’s almost too bright to look at. Almost. It’s not like Steve has any problem against looking at bright things, especially when those things have Billy’s beauty. 

Billy is basically Purdue’s most desired item. Every girl wants to sleep with him, every guy wants to be him. Steve, ironically,would be fine with both. Not that anyone aside from Robin knows that. 

He’s not ashamed. He’s not. But going through all the things that happen when he’s come out in the past make him just a bit paranoid, a bit anxious. The only reason Robin knows is because he couldn’t stand not having anyone actually know who he was. Plus she wouldn’t stop trying to set him up with her band friends. They were all nice enough, but it got old rejecting people over and over. At least it wasn’t like high school where he actually went on dates with girls where he had to come up with an excuse of why he didn’t want to go on another one. 

“You had a long enough look, pretty boy?” Billy’s teasing question brought him back to the party. Steve tries to convince himself that the blush is from his drink, not that he’s fooling anyone. Christ, less than a minute in and he’s already a mess. They don’t even know each other that well. Steve is sort-of friends with Billy’s sort-of friend Tommy. A party together here and there, a few mutual acquaintances. There was a night a few months ago where they were the only ones left at a friends house not hooking up in a bathroom, but that was more awkward than anything else. 

They’re not enemies or anything like that, but they haven’t really had a history of getting along that well. Steve doesn’t hate Billy, but he does hate the effect that Billy has on him. He can’t decide if he wants to kiss him or punch him, or maybe both. 

Clearing his throat, he steps to the side hoping to let Billy pass. He’s holding out hope that Billy will just let this go, but knowing Billy he sincerely doubts that. It’s not like it’s a rare occurrence for someone to stare at Billy. The rare thing is that he stares back. Which, Steve noticed, he is not doing because Billy Hargrove does not let people know what he wants. Not that Steve wants him to. He’ll blame it on the lights or some made up shit. 

“Yeah, cause what you need is more flattering, Hargrove.” It’s not his best comeback ever, but with the way his brain is going a million miles per hour right now he’s pretty proud that he didn’t just scream and run away. Not that that’s off the table quite yet.  
Just as Billy looks like he’s going to respond to his remark with something likely snarky and a little insulting Tommy H. comes over to them, slinging an arm around their necks. 

“Are you boys up for a game of Never Have I Ever? I got your dorky friends to join us Stevie boy.” Tommy gestures in the general direction of the whole party. Steve honestly didn’t know what he expected. Tommy’s always drinking way too much at any party. “Hargrove, anyone you have in mind to play with? I know that junior’s been trying to get your eye for a while.”  
“Thanks Tommy, but I’ve got all the fun I need from the present company.” Steve can’t tell whether or not he’s being serious or sarcastic, so he decides to take it as the latter. 

“Whatever suits. you man, follow me.” Tommy leads them to a less crowded room with a big rug in the middle and a few couches pushed to the sides. In a circle on the floor is Nancy and Jonathan sitting next to each other and quietly talking (Steve assumes they’re his “dorks”), Tommy’s girlfriend Carol, Robin and Sofia leaning against each other and laughing, a kid named Keith that Billy plays baseball with, and whoever Keith’s date is. 

Steve goes to sit down next to Nancy and Jonathan, who have finally noticed his presence and are waving him over, but Billy grabs his elbow and pulls him down on the floor next to him so that they’re sitting next to each other. Nancy looks just was confused as Steve probably does, but he shrugs and goes with it. It’s not like it matters who you sit by in Never Have I Ever. 

“Okay, so you all know the rules?” Take a drink if you haven’t done the thing, etc. etc.”

“Thanks for that explanation Tommy. Real useful.” Sofia snorted at Robin's comment, hiding herself in Robin's shoulder. Smiling, Steve rolled his eyes at her and gave Tommy an apologetic grin. He’s pretty sure that Robin is only here because of him too. Robin, Nancy, and Jonathan aren’t exactly friends of Tommy, but he thinks that Carol and Nancy might know each other. 

“Enough chatting, let’s get started.” Carol claps her hands together and rests her head on them, thinking. “Never have I ever been caught having sex in a public place.” Unsurprisingly, Billy, Carol, and Tommy all take sips. Out of the corner of his eye Steve sees a blushing Nancy and Jonathan both taking sips. Steve, Robin, and Sofia’ cups are both full. 

“At least some of us have a sense of decency,” quips Robin from her spot with Sofia. 

“Maybe I’m just good at not getting caught.” Steve scoffs at Sofia’s comment, most likely meant for only Robin to hear. He’s learned that, when inebriated, Sofia is shit at being quiet. 

“I only get caught when I want to get caught,” added Billy, looking right at Steve while he said it. Steve has no clue how to take that. 

“My turn. Never have I ever cheated or have been cheated on by a partner.” Everyone is looking around, daring the first person to take a sip. It’s Steve who lifts his cup to his lips first. Billy follows, as do Carol and Tommy. Everyone knows Carol and Tommy have had their rough patches, so there’s no real shock there. Bily taking a sip isn’t a shock either. His whole playboy image would be a little less believable if he hadn’t taken a sip. Steve feels like he’s the only one here that taking a sip means anything at all. 

No one makes comments at the end of that round, not wanting to cause a scene, or they just don’t know what to say. 

Billy is the one who speaks up after a few seconds that seem to last forever. “Well, that was fun. Thanks for that delightful question, Wheeler.” Steve would be mad at Billy for talking to Nancy like that if he felt he had any control of the situation. He does sneak a look at Jonathan, who’s looking slightly like he wants to knock Billy out, but he’s calmed by Nancy’s hand on his shoulder. 

Steve’s always been impressed by how easy they’re able to calm each other. A single touch for them can tell the other all they need to know. Steve hasn’t felt comfort with someone like that for a long time. 

It’s Billy yet again who breaks the silence. “Don’t sweat it. I’ve got a question that’ll make people more upset.” It’s almost like Billy feels bad for insulting Nancy. Almost. Steve’s not sure Billy’s got a regretful bone in his body. “Never have I ever kissed someone of the same gender.” 

All the air leaves Steve’s chest. Billy can’t know, can he? The smirk he’s giving Steve makes it seem like he does, but Billy looks like that at everyone all the time.  
“Cheers to you, Hargrove,” Sofia acknowledged, taking a substantial drink from her cup.

“Yeah, fuck you Billy.” Robin's words lack any bite. If anything she looks happy to be taking a sip. The other eight of them look around, waiting for someone else to take a sip. Nancy doesn’t even blink when Jonathan takes a small sip of his drink. As discreetly as he can Steve takes a sip, and Billy soon follows. It could mean nothing that Billy waited for Steve to drink first, just like it could mean nothing that Billy took a sip in the first place, but to Steve it doesn’t. It sends a shiver down his spine, which he tries his best to hide. He’s fairly certain he saw Billy looking out of the corner of his eyes, but that could be wistful thinking. 

Whatever this game started out as, it’s not that anymore. The atmosphere feels charged with nervous energy, and Steve can feel himself start to fidget. He picks at his nails, pulling on a loose nail. His mother always hated when he did that. She couldn’t stand the sight of his ragged nails and raw skin. 

Steve can see that there's a considerable group of people watching them. It makes sense. Billy, Keith, and Tommy all play sports, and are pretty popular. Robin has a lot of band friends, and he’s pretty sure Sofia is part of a sorority. 

Billy seems to notice as well. “Looks like we have a crowd. How bout we make this a little more interesting, play spin the bottle instead. Put on a show. Give the kids what they want.”

“Yeah, cause kids want to watch a bunch of college students make out.” 

“Dude, that’s exactly what they want. I don’t think you’ve ever actually met a kid.” 

Spin the bottle isn’t exactly Steve’s idea of a fun party game, but he’ll play along for now. “Sure, I’ll play.”  
“There you go Stevie. Finally growing a pair!” Tommy earns a punch in the arm from Carol, which he graciously takes. 

Everyone else already sitting agrees to play as well, and the game starts. Robin finishes the bottle that she had, and places it in the middle of the circle. Tommy claps his hands together and spins first. It lands on Nancy, who gives him a small smile. They’re kids is nothing special, two seconds and over. 

Steve’s impressed Tommy was able to read Nancy’s apprehension. Maybe it was Jonathan’s tenseness. 

Next is Robin. She spins and the bottle lands on Carol. The whole groups laughs as Carol makes a show of crawling over to Robin, grabbing her faces and kissing her dramatically. The air is lightened, and any pressure Steve was feeling is gone now. That good feeling keeps him going for almost the whole game. Jonathan and Keith’s girl. Keith and Tommy. Sofia and Nancy. Keith and his girlfriend. Nancy and Steve. Carol and Billy. 

Then it’s Steve’s turn. He grabs the bottle with shaking hands, all of his nerves suddenly alight. He doesn’t even know why. It doesn’t make sense. 

The bottle spins around, stopping quickly on the shaggy carpet. 

It lands on a little to his left. Right where Billy is sitting. Steve has to kiss Billy. 

No big deal, right? It’s a game, it’s not like it means anything to anyone. Hell, just a second ago Robin was making out with Carol and both of their partners don’t seem to have a care in the world. Steve doesn’t even have a partner, so this should be easy. 

Everyone in the room is watching him. He can’t let them think there’s something wrong with him, that this is something that disgusts him, something that he can’t do. His eyes finally meet the one pair of eyes that he cares about in this moment, and takes a deep breath. 

Steve leans over and touches his lips with Billy’s, trying not to overthink it.


	2. Nothing More, Nothing Less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh, thanks I guess. Look, I hope I didn’t freak you out earlier.” Steve’s face colors as memories flood his mind. He absentmindedly traces a hand over the place on his waist where Billy’s hands burned his skin.   
> “No, it’s fine. It was just a game, right? It doesn’t have to mean anything. Nothing has to change or anything.”  
> “Right, yeah. I would never judge you for that.” Steve does a double take. Never judge him? For what? His confusion must be obvious because Billy continues.  
> “I would never judge someone for their sexuality.” All of Steve’s breath leaves his lungs at once. Yeah, he took a sip when Billy asked the question about kissing someone of the same gender, but a lot of people had taken a sip. Hell, Billy had taken a sip too. But then again, that might be why they’re having this conversation.   
> “Oh, well me too. I mean, you too.” Steve winces at his lack of eloquent speech. Luckily Billy doesn’t look too put off. Steve’s seen what guys who fight Billy end up looking like. “That shit doesn’t change how I see as a person,” he finishes. Steve wants to say more about it, but he’ll hold onto any bit of dignity he has left.

“take the words for what they are   
a dwindling mercurial high,  
a drug that only works,  
the first few hundred times.”  
-illicit affairs, taylor swift 

Steve’s in the bathroom, trying to get his breathing under control, and maybe make it look a little less like he just got fucked. One kiss with Billy. One. That’s all it took for him to be hooked. 

He definitely hadn’t needed to worry about overthinking it. That had been the least of his concerns when he had shifted over into Billy’s fucking lap, desperate for more like a teenager. When the reality of the situation finally crashed back down onto him he had almost shoved Billy away in his haste to get off his lap. At least Billy hadn’t stopped him. Steve was assuming that he thought it was just a show for the game, not born out of any actual emotions. It’s not like it’s rare for people to get carried away during Spin the Bottle. Steve had just gotten a little more carried away than most. He grimaces at the memory of his hands in Billy’s hair, tugging on it just the right amount, Billy’s hands on his waist under his cream-colored sweater. It was just a game. He has to keep reminding himself that, or he’s going to go crazy. 

But what if it wasn’t to Billy? It didn’t feel like a game, and Steve could’ve sworn Billy looked just as flustered after as he did. Actually, Steve’s positive that Billy looked one hundred percent better than Steve did. The flush had accented his eyes, made the blue stand out more, and Steve can’t seem to forget the image of Billy’s hair messy from his hands. Not that Steve has paid attention, no sir, but it looks a lot like Billy’s hair after he takes his batters helmet off after a game. Steve’s only been to one of Billy’s games, and he did not spend the whole time mesmerized by Billy’s athletic abilities. He’s just a fan of that game, that’s all. It has nothing to do with Billy’s muscles glistening with sweat, his pants leaving nothing to hide. Nope, Steve hadn’t noticed any of those things.

Steve shakes his head to clear away his wandering thoughts. He needs to get a grip on himself. 

“Steve? Hey, are you okay? We saw you run off earlier.” Jonathan’s soft voice filters through the closer door, and Steve knows that Nancy is with him. 

“Yeah guys, I’m fine. You can go back to the party, don’t worry about me.” Steve knows his tone gives everything away, a little too high and a little too panicked. He reluctantly opens the door and is immediately met with the concerned eyes of his friends. Not only are Nancy and Jonathan there, but so are Robin and somehow Dustin, who Steve didn’t even know was paying attention to their section of the party. It shouldn’t mean as much to him as it does that Dustin always seems to be ready to take care of Steve. 

“Dingus, it’s not very polite to run off in the middle of a party. Although, I will admit I would run off too after a display like that.” Robin looks like she’s going to say more, but is silenced by Dustin's elbow in her ribs. “I mean, Steve, we’re all so worried about you, it’s so unlike you to be weird and awkward. I’m shocked you’re acting like this.” 

“I promise, I’m okay. I just drank too much earlier, I just need to go back to my place and I’ll be fine.” They all know he’s lying, they’re close enough to know that he doesn’t drink that much and he gets sick even less, but he must look worse than he thinks because all of them except for Dustin let him go. 

“You and I both know that was bullshit. Come on Steve, tell me what’s up. I won’t tell anyone, not even Suzie.”   
“Henderson, you would be the first person I would tell if something was wrong. I swear, I’m okay, just needed some fresh air.”

“We’re in a bathroom that smells like puke and sweat.”  
“Okay, I needed alone time. That better for you?” Dustin doesn’t look convinced, and Steve’s about to tell him the whole thing before he shrugs and back out of the room.   
“Yeah, well text me when you get home. I don’t want all that fresh air getting to your head.”

“Very funny.” Steve is once again in awe of how much Dustin seems to sincerely care about him. That kid has a heart of gold. Dustin usually says he has a heart of francium because it’s the most valuable on the periodic table or some nerdy shit. “I’ll text you when I get home, as long as you do too.”

Dustin's grin fills Steve with a fondness that he can’t explain and has long since tried to understand. He does understand that either that kid or Billy fucking Hargrove are going to be the death of him. 

As soon as Dustin leaves Steve goes to where the coats are stored and grabs the light brown coat he wore over here. He probably didn’t need it, but he was walking home. He would call an uber, but he wanted time to figure out what was going on in his head. 

He finds Tommy to let him know that he’s going home, purposely avoiding Billy who is laughing with Keith and his girl. Steve wants to get closer, wants to study every single time Billy smiles. 

Once he’s outside he is able to breathe for the first time since his kiss with Billy. The only noise is the distant thrum of the music from the party, and he can start to piece together his thoughts. 

Billy has been at the forefront of his mind, but Steve’s thoughts go to Dustin first. This isn’t the first time he’s almost spilled his guts to Dustin. There have been countless times when he’s wanted beyond anything to tell Dustin that he’s gay, but every time he tries he can’t seem to get the words out. He doesn’t know what to say or how to say it, and he always starts to feel like he can’t breathe. In the end he gives up. It’s one of the things that makes him feel the worst about himself. If he can’t even say it to Dustin, is he supposed to tell anyone else? The boy with the biggest heart, and Steve can’t even get the words out. 

With Robin it was easy. She came out to him, he came out to her a few months later. Sure, he’d still been nervous as hell and it had honestly taken it days for it to sink in that someone knew. She knew he was gay and they were still friends. The only thing that changed was that she stopped asking him if he thought certain actresses were hot and they started having debates over Steve’s actor and Robin’s actress. It’s nice. 

“Hey Harrington, wait up for a second.” Billy’s voice jolts Steve to the core, and, like the dumbass he is, he obeys. He can’t help but laugh at Billy’s appearance. It’s February in Indiana and Billy has a short sleeve shirt on, unbuttoned past the third button and a pair of jeans. He’s got to be freezing. 

“Why are you looking at me like I have three heads?” 

“Billy, it’s 30 degrees outside and you don’t have a coat. Gif forbid you ruin your image and take care of yourself.” Now Billy is looking at Steve like he has three heads. 

“Jesus-here just take my coat. At least I have winter clothes under my coat.” Steve shrugs his coat off and hands it to Billy, who puts it on slowly, like he’s scared he’s going to ruin it. 

“Uh, thanks I guess. Look, I hope I didn’t freak you out earlier.” Steve’s face colors as memories flood his mind. He absentmindedly traces a hand over the place on his waist where Billy’s hands burned his skin.

“No, it’s fine. It was just a game, right? It doesn’t have to mean anything. Nothing has to change or anything.”  
“Right, yeah. I would never judge you for that.” Steve does a double take. Never judge him? For what? His confusion must be obvious because Billy continues.

“I would never judge someone for their sexuality.” All of Steve’s breath leaves his lungs at once. Yeah, he took a sip when Billy asked the question about kissing someone of the same gender, but a lot of people had taken a sip. Hell, Billy had taken a sip too. But then again, that might be why they’re having this conversation. 

“Oh, well me too. I mean, you too.” Steve winces at his lack of eloquent speech. Luckily Billy doesn’t look too put off. Steve’s seen what guys who fight Billy end up looking like. “That shit doesn’t change how I see as a person,” he finishes. Steve wants to say more about it, but he’ll hold onto any bit of dignity he has left.

They walk comfortably by each other's sides, their hands brushing against each other occasionally. It’s almost normal.

“I’m not gay.” Steve is startled straight out of whatever comfortability was between them by Billy’s sudden proclamation. “I’m pansexual. Gender doesn’t really mean shit to me, besides respect for people’s genders.”  
This… isn’t really a side of Billy Steve expected to see tonight. Talking about sexuality and gender identities isn't what most people would think Billy would walk them home to talk about. He doesn’t disagree with anything Billy’s saying though. 

“Oh, cool,” he ends lamely. Steve knows what he’s supposed to say next. It’s his turn to speak up, but he’s stuck. Fortunately Billy doesn’t seem to be counting on Steve to speak again. He’s looking around them at the apartment buildings. Steve’s a little embarrassed by how nice they are. He’s not paying for him and Robin's apartment, his parents are. They didn’t want him to stay in Hawkins, so they paid for him to be somewhere else. It’s a win-win for Steve. 

They arrive at Steve’s building door, and Steve doesn’t know what to do. Does he invite Billy in? Thankfully he’s in the company of Billy, who doesn’t really ask permission before he does things. 

“Damn bambi, you and your girl have a nice place. Got your own bedroom and everything. Mommy and Daddy paying for this?”

“Yep.” He keeps his answer short, hoping that Billy get the hint that this isn’t a topic that Steve’s comfortable talking about. 

Billy must pick up on the hint, because he drops the subject, preferring to walk around the apartment. Steve let’s him, until he gets to Robin’s room. She hasn’t specifically stated if she’s okay with Steve’s visitors in her room, but Steve doesn’t necessarily have visitors that often, much less Billy Hargrove.

Billy wanders over to Steve’s room. It’s nothing special, pretty typical for a college student. He’s got his textbooks, his desk, his twin bed shoved furthest away from the window as he could make it. He has a few pictures pinned to the wall next to his bed, one with Robin and him throwing trash at each other, another with them wrestling outside, one with Nancy and Jonathan last summer, and one with Dustin and his friends when they visited him at his job. 

“This is cute, Harrington.” Steve looks over at what Billy is talking about. It’s a figurine that Mike’s girlfriend El got him a whole back because it apparently reminded her of him. It’s a badass looking guy with a bat full of nails in his hands. He’s flattered that she sees him as anywhere close to that guy. 

“Yeah, thanks.” The silence between them isn’t hard to bear, it’s comfortable and Steve doesn’t feel pressured to say anything. 

“So, pretty boy, you got a boyfriend or something I should watch out for tonight?” 

“No.” Steve’s reply is quick, his senses too shocked to do anything but reply. 

“Good. I’ve been thinking, and there’s something here.” Billy gestures between the two of them. “Purely sexual, of course. No offense, but I don’t think we could handle each other in a real relationship.”

“None taken. What exactly are you thinking?”

“Well, both of us know that that kiss was, well let’s just say it didn’t suck.” 

“Wow, you’re really buttering me up here, Hargrove.”   
“Shut up and let me finish. As I was saying, earlier was something else than what I’m used to. It was a nice change, so we might as well work it out. You know, see where this goes.”

“So, if I’m getting this right, you want me to be your…?”

“I don’t care what you call it. Casual hookup, Sex partner, kind-of friends with benefits. It all means the same thing. No emotions, no complications. Just something easy that we can stop at any point.”

“I could get behind that. There’s a problem though.”  
“And what would that be?”

“Tommy.”

“You’re fucking Tommy?” Billy’s question is laced with something fierce, almost like jealousy, but that can’t be it because they aren’t dating, they’re not in a relationship. 

“Jesus, no I’m not fucking Tommy. You can’t tell me you haven’t heard his rules? He absolutely hates when people in his groups get together if it’s not him and Carol.”

“No one has to know.”

“What?” 

No one has to know about us. It doesn’t seem like you really want anyone to know, and I don’t need people to know. Let’s just… not tell anyone.” 

“Fine by me.” This doesn’t have to be a big deal. He can do this, just a casual relationship with Billy.   
Now that Billy has permission from Steve, he moves closer to Steve, crowding him up against the bookshelf behind Steve. 

Before he does anything more, Billy looks into Steve’s eyes, and Steve looks right back, trying to tell Billy that this is what he wants. Billy sees that permission and leans in closer to Steve, gently touching their lips together.

What started out sweet and almost careful quickly turned desperate and hurried. Billy forced Steve up higher on the shelf, his legs coming to wrap around Billy’s waist. 

Steve’s not positive how it happened, but they’re in the bed. Billy is in between his legs, biting and sucking on his neck, leaving marks just below the collar of Steve’s shirt. Steve’s hands are running along Billy’s torso, feeling his impressive muscles and multitude of scars.

It isn’t romantic, what they do. It’s quick and easy, a give and take for both of them. Steve won’t let it mean something to him, he won’t let himself ruin the little part of Billy that he’s able to have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2, yayy! let me know what you think! chapter 3 should be coming in a few days depending on my schedule.


	3. Didn’t See You Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can keep it casual, right? No need for any complications. 
> 
> or when Steve finds out one of his nerds is Billy’s sister yikes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha i’m so sorry this one took so long, but here you go!  
> also, i can’t figure out italics so -this- means it’s a text message cool cool cool co

“This could never be,  
you’re not the type for me,  
and there’s not a spark in sight,  
what a waste of lovely night.”

When Steve wakes up in the morning, Billy is gone. Steve’s not disappointed, or at least he doesn’t let himself be. 

He puts on the first t-shirt he can find on the floor and whatever pair of boxers are clean, shuffling to the kitchen. Steve doesn’t eat breakfast often, but he didn’t eat any food last night. 

Robins not home, which Steve is thankful for. He’s not worried that she would tell anyone about him and Billy, but he would be endlessly made fun of. Not that that’s any different than usual, but he can’t add more to that fire. 

He starts to make a cup of coffee in their pot, but they’re out somehow. He’s surprised because he knows that he had some yesterday, had been thinking about when he was going to be able to go to the store and get some more. He’s almost positive Robin didn’t drink any because she says his stuff tastes like shit and she goes to the shop down the street for hers. 

Making a mental note to add coffee to the grocery list he has on his phone, he goes into their small sitting room that’s connected to the kitchen. It’s a small area, a circular table with two chairs taking up the majority of the space. On top of said table is a collection of his and Robins school stuff; laptop chargers, pens, and spirals stuffed with notes. 

He sits down at the table and opens his phone. Scrolling through Instagram, he sees that he has a friend request from Billy, along with a message. 

-damn bambi, you’re a fucking heavy sleeper. you going to the party Keith’s girl is having on friday?-

Steve can’t help but smile at the casual mood Billy has. He sends back his reply that he can’t go to that party because he promised Dustin they would hang and Steve would never cancel on him. 

Billy’s reply is quicker than Steve thought it would be. Maybe he’s at a level of coolness where it’s no longer not cool to reply fast. 

-ok, then we can just meet up afterwards.-

Billy’s text leaves no room for Steve to argue, not that he wants to. Sure, it’s a little annoying but it’s also nice that there’s someone who wants to hang out with him that bad. Even if it is so they can just fuck.

Steve stretches his hands over his head and scrolls through his phone, opening the music app. Since Robins not home he can listen to whatever he wants , so he chooses something she’s going to make fun of him for. The hypocrite that she is, she always ends up liking his music anyway, The one thing that he hasn’t introduced her to is classical music. He knows there’s no reason not to, she’s in a band and he’s pretty sure he’s heard her listen to classical, but classical is the one part of his parents that no one could touch. No matter how rocky things got between them, his mom still sent him song recommendations from their favorite composers. It was a stability in his life up until the moment his parents wanted out of his life. 

He moves around the kitchen, tidying things up here and there. Robin and him don’t cook often, but when they do they do the dishes until a week or so later. He’s feeling slightly productive at the moment, so he decides he might as well do them now when he doesn’t have that much homework or studying to do. He’s humming along softly to the tunes playing in the background, vining with the rises and falls of the familiar melodies.

Once he’s done in the kitchen he moves the their living room, made up of a ratty couch that Robin had bought when she moved in, seeing that Steve didn’t have any couch in his apartment. There were two small side tables on both ends of the couches with glass lamps that belonged to Robin too. Looking around, he saw that most of the stuff in their apartment either belonged to Robin or they rented it. A good majority of their stuff in the kitchen is from Jonathan and Nancy’s, stuff that Robin and Steve just haven’t given back to them. Somehow, when people want to hang out, they always end up at Steve and Robins. Their apartment is the biggest by far, and it’s nicer, but it’s not built to have company. It’s not a home by any means. 

The only part of their apartment that’s purely Steve’s is the bookshelf in his room. It’s not his bookshelf, but it does have all of anything meaningful left. He didn’t get to take a lot from his house when he left for college, and he hasn’t gone back, so these things are all he has left of his childhood. A few books that he had to read for school, a few books that he read because he wanted to, here and there a picture with his high school friends, long forgotten by him. 

It used to upset him that there’s no trace of his family back in Hawkins in his life, but he’s come to accept that them paying for his apartment and college is them saying goodbye to him. They’ve paid their debt to him to give him a chance to make it, and now they don’t have to deal with him anymore. 

He’s not sure when he first realized that they were gone. The only thing connecting them anymore is the money they give him to not come home. It doesn’t bother him anymore. He stopped letting them have any control over him. He’s finished living in a world with people like him a part of it. There’s no time for the shit they give him in life. 

He’s done cleaning after about an hour. He doesn’t have anything to do today, so he thinks he might go and see what Dustin is up to. He would try to find Robin, but he’s tried to find her on Saturdays after parties before. In the past she’s come back the next night, made him pay for pizza, and they watch whatever movie they want. It’s a nice routine to have with each other, and she’ll never admit it, but he thinks she likes it too. Sure, she relentlessly makes fun of his movie choices, but it’s not like hers are much better. He’s continually surprised by the very few movies she’s seen, so he’s made it his goal to be able to show her the best ones. Last week he got her to watch The Godfather with him, and next time it’s his choice they’re going to watch the second one.  
Steve opens his phone to text Dusin, and he sees he already has a message. 

“Shit.” He forgot to text Dusin last night when he got home, like he promised to. He doubts Dustin would actually be concerned that he got home, but just the idea that he could have possibly let Dustin down makes him feel sick. Without thinking, he hits the call icon next to Dustin's name. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Dustin sounds like he just woke up, which could be the case. Him and Susie stay up pretty late most nights, not even doing anything except talking to each other for hours. It’s cute how much they have to talk about. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t text you last night.” There’s an edge of desperation and panic to his voice that he didn’t mean to let in. 

“Oh, yeah, it’s fine. I wasn’t that worried about you or anything.” Dustin’s obviously lying, but Steve doesn’t push. Dustin hates it when Steve sees how much he cares, like it’s going to scare Steve away or something.  
“Right. Well, I was wondering what you’re doing today. I have a few free hours now if you wanna go somewhere.” 

“I would love too, but I have plans with Susie. Maybe Lucas doesn’t have plans.” Dustin pauses for a second. “Actually, I think him and Max broke up again last night, so he’ll be groveling today. Not that he needs to, we both know those idiots can’t get enough of each other.”

“Again? I would say poor kid, but he most likely deserved it knowing Max. I’m surprised she doesn’t have any family to come beat him up by now.”

“She has a family. You kissed her brother last night.” And Steve doesn’t really know what to do with this information. He hadn’t planned on getting to know Billy throughout this whole thing, it was one of the things he’d wanted to avoid, but now one of his nerds is dating Billy’s sister, and Steve considers himself friends with both of them. Fan-fucking-tastic.

“Huh. I didn’t know Billy had a sister.”

“Step-sister. She’s made it very clear that they’re not close. She doesn’t really seem to get along with him that well.”

“I’m not surprised. He’s not exactly the brotherly type.”

“Yeah. They’re better than they used to be though. According to her he’s less of a dick now that he’s out of his house.” 

“You could say the same for a lot of people.” If Dustin thinks that’s a weird comment to add, he doesn’t say anything. Bless this kid and his amazing mood reading. 

“Sorry we can chill today. You can check with El, her and Max are doing something today.”

“Yeah, thanks man. I’ll see you… I don’t know, whenever I see you.”

“See you whenever I see you too.”

“I won’t forget to text you next time.” Steve’s voice is softer than intended.

“I know. Knowing you there was a reason.” Steve makes a noncommittal noise in response, which Dustin takes in stride, saying goodbye before hanging up. 

Steve decides to try calling El. She doesn’t always answer because she and Mike talk so much, but it’s worth a shot.

She ends up being free, just hanging out with Max at El and Mike’s place. Most people are surprised to hear that this freshman couple is living together, Steve included, but they’re inseparable. From what Steve knows it was an uphill battle to get El’s dad’s permission for them to live together, but he had been convinced in the end. El’s dad, Hopper, is the chief of police, and scary as hell to anyone who doesn’t know how kind he really is, and even those people know better than to cross him. Nevertheless, Steve has something to do.

He gets dressed in black jeans and a red and white bomber jacket he’s had forever. He can’t find his brown coat, but he's not that worried. His cleaning didn’t quite make it to the laundry. 

He gets to El’s place about thirty minutes later, taking the bus as close as he can get and walking the rest. When he walks in Max and El are laying on the couch and laughing about whatever’s on the Tv.

“Steve, come sit.” El doesn’t look up from the Tv as she greets Steve. It’s pretty impressive. 

“What are we watching?” Steve sits on the floor in the middle of the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table. 

“Brooklyn Nine-Nine. You’re lucky to have your first episode with Doug Judy. He’s the best character.”

“No, Holt is the best.”

“You’re just saying that because he’s like your dad.”

“That’s not a bad thing.”

“Shut up, I’m trying to watch.” No matter how much El and Max fight, they’re just as inseparable as Mike and El. If Steve’s heard correctly, they didn’t get along at first, some stupid misunderstanding. It took a fight between Mike and El for them to get close, and after that their friendship just grew. 

They watch a few episodes of their show, and Steve has to admit, it’s pretty good. It’s refreshing to have a non-stereotypical gay man on the screen, and it’s a funny show. 

He’s just about to leave when the sound of an engine running makes him stop. He looks out the window of the second floor apartment, and sees a Blue Camaro. Steve doesn’t know a lot about cars, but he knows this one is nice. Even he knows it’s a good looking car.  
Unfortunately, the person driving it is even more good looking. Billy is wearing a red t-shirt under a worn leather jacket, his pendant hanging around his neck because fuck Steve’s ability to function normally apparently. There’s no denying that Billy Hargrove could make Steve beg.

Before Billy can see Steve watching, he backs away from the window. The girls are still sitting on the couch, but now they’re watching Clueless because El said she had never seen it and Max insisted. It reminds Steve eerily of him and Robin, just a little bit less antagonistic.  
Steve calls out that he’s leaving and walks down the stairs. He doesn’t see Billy, so he thinks he’s out in the clear before he hears a familiar voice and feels Billy’s hand on his hip. 

“Where are you going so fast Harrington? Got a hot date?”

“Why, you gonna wish me away in that car of yours if I say yes?” 

“Oh princess, I’m going to do a lot more than that if you say yes.” Fucking hell, this is how Steve dies. There’s no way he can make it through Billy calling him princess and talking about what he’s going to do to Steve. 

“Well then, you’ll be glad to know that the answer is no. I have a roommate at home prime to violence waiting for me to bring pizza.”

“I wouldn’t want to be the one to cause any further harm on you, so I think it’s best if I let you go.” Steve makes a noise of confusion, and Billy must notice because he stares at one of the marks he left on Steve’s neck last night proudly. Steve flushes and clears his throat, mumbling about how he really has to go and flees down the rest of the stairs. 

That went… about how Steve expected it too. At least he’s not a puddle on the floor, but he is pretty close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come see me on tumblr @goldfinchandi
> 
> thank you for making it to chapter three! please leave comments and tell me what you think. ilyyy (fr though, thank you for reading)


	4. Where do we go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve hardly noticed it the first time, but Billy has started to stay for longer amounts of time after their meetups. He’ll lounge around the apartment in sweatpants, claiming he’s not ready to drive yet or that he’s waiting for a round two. On a few memorable occasions he’s even asked Steve to watch a movie with him, and in those situations Steve doesn’t know what to do. He’ll agree, of course he will, and sit on the opposite end of the couch from Billy while they watch whatever Billy wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter took so long. it’s a little bit short too but that’s fine haha

“There’s nothing left to hide, you can see it in my eyes  
oh, i’ve tried to be who i thought you wanted,  
and if it’s all a lie, the truths not far behind.”  
-Romona, Beck

The weeks pass easily and quickly, Winter finally coming to an end and spring starting. Billy starts playing baseball more, preparing for the preseason, and Steve sees less of him, albeit he still sees him more than anyone but Robin. 

They’ve still been “meeting up” almost every week, sometimes more when Billy gets into a mood, be it angry, happy, or just plain nasty. 

Steve hardly noticed it the first time, but Billy has started to stay for longer amounts of time after their meetups. He’ll lounge around the apartment in sweatpants, claiming he’s not ready to drive yet or that he’s waiting for a round two. On a few memorable occasions he’s even asked Steve to watch a movie with him, and in those situations Steve doesn’t know what to do. He’ll agree, of course he will, and sit on the opposite end of the couch from Billy while they watch whatever Billy wants. 

They don’t hang out just to hang out. Ever. Steve’s terrified of what would happen if they became friends or something, because he can’t handle being friends with Billy and getting fucked by Billy. No, that’s a recipe for disaster. That would complicate things infinitely, which isn’t what Billy wants. So, Steve doesn’t ask and neither does Billy. 

The closest they’ve gotten to hanging out was one time when Steve had to be at class and Billy had taken him there in his car. It had been an experience. 

Being as old as it is, the Camaro doesn’t have bluetooth or anything to play music from, so Billy has a speaker hooked up to it. Says he hates listening to the radio because they don’t play the good shit. Which apparently, according to Billy, is anything from before they were born. He handed Steve his phone and told him to pick what to play, and Steve couldn’t help but snooping around a bit. Not on Billy’s texts or social media, he wouldn’t do that, but on Billy music. 

Most of it is expected. Bon Jovi, Scorpions, Nirvana, Bowie. A lot of classical rock, which he can respect. It’s good music. He’s a little cautious to bring up the playlist of Simon and Garfunkel he sees, but when he does Billy doesn’t seem to mind. 

“My mom was a big fan of theirs, so I grew up on their music.” Steve can see it’s not a topic that he’s open to ask about. That’s what he chooses to play though. If Billy is surprised he doesn’t show it. He doesn’t show any emotions at all actually, but Steve sees him mouthing along to the words when Billy doesn’t think he’s looking. 

It’s sweet. 

They don’t talk for the rest of the car ride, preferring to spend the time in a comfortable silence, which is new to Steve. He’s not usually good during long silences, but it’s somehow okay with Billy. 

The silence was broken when they finally got to Steve’s building. Steve got out of the car, and leaned down to open the window. “Bye Billy.” 

“Bye baby.” Steve didn’t think Billy knew that that was the first time Billy called Steve a pet name when they aren’t talking about sex or having sex. No, Billy doesn’t even seem to notice, but Steve thinks about it all the time. A small part of Steve is sending flashing red lights all over his body, telling him to run and forget about Billy, pretending this isn’t happening. But, like usual, common sense doesn’t win. 

Tonight he’s not seeing Billy. Him and Robin are having a movie night, which is dangerously common for them. It’s easier for them to talk sometimes with a screen in the background. They’re watching some movie on Netflix that Robin has been raving about called Scott Pilgrim. Steve’s never seen it, and he doesn’t really trust Robin's taste in movies, but he’s willing to give it a try. He’s seen a lot of movies he wouldn’t normally see because of Robin. Movies like Back to the Future and Star Wars that he didn’t grow up with but she did. He’d grown up with whatever movies his parents had, which hadn’t given him a lot of room to work with. They had all the classics: Saving Private Ryan, The Godfather Trilogy, and any other movie that came in a good looking box for them to display. Steve’s parents hadn’t really been the kind to take him out to see movies, much less buy them for him to watch, so he got a bunch of old war movies and “classics” that he might actually like.

Steve picks up takeout for them and gets to their apartment around six. She should be home by now from her late class. He prefers the early ones, and she disagrees. He’s not complaining though. She’s a bit of a dick in the morning, they both are. It’s best that they don’t talk then, it would end in some sort of stupid fight between them. 

When he walks in it’s not Robin who greets him though. Max and El are sitting next to each other on the counter, Robin talking with them from the sink where she’s washing her morning dishes.

“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you guys here. Sorry I didn’t get you any food.” 

“It’s okay, we won’t stay for dinner. We just want to ask you something.” 

“Okay, shoot.”

Robin leaves the room, which Steve doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not. Before she leaves she squeezes Steve’s shoulder, which just confuses him even more. 

“Are you dating Billy?” Both girls are looking at him, no judgement whatsoever on their faces, but Steve’s heart still stops. It’s like he’s in a nightmare. He’s had a nightmare of this exact situation. 

“No, I am not dating Billy.” He’s happy that he’s able to get away with not lying. It’s not his strong suit, as he’s been told multiple times by many people.

“You can tell us if you are, we won’t care.” 

“Yeah, he could use a boyfriend anyway.” 

“Jesus, no I’m not with Billy like that.” He doesn’t mean to snap at them, and he hates the way both girls wince at his tone. He tried again. “I’m not dating your brother Max, you don’t need to be worried. Even if I was it wouldn’t change anything.”

“Yeah, that’s not really what I was worried about, but thanks Steve. I just wanted, we just wanted, to let you know that that’s okay.” 

“We don’t care about that stuff Steve.”

“Dustin’s going to hate that you two know this and that he doesn’t.” 

“He doesn’t know what?”

“... That I’m gay?”

“Oh, everyone knows that.” 

“She means everyone as in everyone who knows you. You know, Dusin and the gang.” 

“How does everyone know? I haven’t told anyone?”

“Yeah, but we have eyes. You and Billy are always sneaking off together, so we all just figured…”

“I knew before then.” 

“Cause you have creepy mind powers.” 

“I can neither confirm nor deny the previous statement.”

And this. This isn’t what Steve expected. He didn’t think it would be this easy. They’re already moving on, joking with each other like Steve isn't blow away right in front of them. Like they don’t know the most intimate part of him, something he’s tried so hard to keep to himself. 

“Steve?”

“Hmm?” 

“Dustin’s been wanting to talk to you about this for a while.” Steve doesn’t know where Max went, most likely to go tell Robin about some new band or something. 

“He has?” If Steve had known he would have talked to Dustin, would never have made Dustin feel like he can’t talk to Steve about anything.

“Yes. Maybe you can invite him over tonight?”

“I’m sure Robin won’t mind. They get along pretty well actually. They just roast me mercilessly.”

“Steve, that’s what we all do.”

“Yeah, I should find some friends who appreciate me more.” El lets out a small laugh, seeing Max over Steve’s shoulder. Max is motioning that they should go, probably because they have some sort of plans tonight. 

They call out their goodbyes, leaving Steve to himself. Robin comes in and starts unpacking their food that Steve had totally forgotten about. 

“So, what’d they have to talk to you about?”

“Like you weren’t listening at the door.”

“Let’s pretend I wasn’t.” 

“Okay, since you definitely weren’t listening they were asking about Billy.” Robin gasped over dramatically.  
“Now why would they be asking about him?”

“I’m not doing the rest of this, you already know what happened.”

“You’re taking all the fun out of this.” Robin reaches over the cabinet above Steve’s head to get some plates. “I didn’t tell them, you know.”

“Robin, I know that. I-you wouldn’t do that to me. To anyone. You know better than anyone what it’s like. I trust you.” 

“Thanks” They move around in silence, getting their food ready on plates, dividing the food among them, Steve stealing rice from Robin's plate and Robin taking Steve’s egg roll. 

“Because I wasn’t listening to your conversation earlier I wouldn’t know, but you should talk to Dustin soon.”  
“Yeah, I was planning on asking him over later tonight. He and Suzie never sleep, so it should be okay.”

“Cool. Let’s start our movie.” Steve is so thankful to have Robin with him. She doesn’t push him to talk when she knows he doesn’t want to. He’s lucky that they found each other, the odds not working their favor. 

He ends up texting Dusin to come over in about an hour, saying that they should talk about something and trying to be vague without getting Dustin’s alarms raised.  
He doesn’t know how to feel. He obviously doesn’t like the feeling that comes with coming out to people, but Dustin already knows, so what happens next? 

He steels himself for what’s to come as he hears their door open, Dustin’s familiar voice echoing through the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! going to be honest, this is NOT my best work, but i felt bad i hadn’t posted this story. 
> 
> check out my short fic The Scars We’ve Caused Each Other for some cannon Christmas fluff! 
> 
> sorry for the lack of Billy in this update. max and el are totally ready to play matchmaker tho


	5. Tell Me I Can Say These Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Stevie, what’s your favorite classical song?”   
> “What the fuck? Billy? Why are you asking me this?”  
> “I should be asking you why you’re still up this late. I have a real excuse, I’ll bet you don’t.”  
> “It’s not late, it’s…3:00?”  
> “Baby, go to bed.”   
> “No I’m busy.” Steve knows his tone doesn’t sound convincing at all, but he doesn’t really give a flying fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YALL I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER i was working on something else and i just really wasn’t feeling it since the last chapter. anyway, our boys are learning how to talk yayyy.
> 
> there is a tw for this chapter, mentions of homophobic parents, mentions of abuse, description of scars and some angst. take care of yourself babes, and pit a comment if you want me to write a summary of what happens so you don’t have to read it.

“so for once in my life,  
let me get what i want  
lord knows it would be the first time  
lord knows it would be the first time 

so, please, please, please   
let me, let me, let me,  
get what i want this time  
lord knows it would be the first time.”   
-Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want, She and Him

Steve’s conversation with Dustin went better then he thought it would. Sure, it was awkward as hell, but it was worth it if he was able to be completely honest with his people. 

His relationship with Billy hasn’t changed much, except now he sees him less because of baseball. He feels like he’s missing some big part of him, which is strange because he didn’t really think Billy was that important to him before. Billy let certain things slip a few time, too many for it not to be intentional at this point. He’ll call Steve after a lecture Steve was dreading to see how it went, he’ll remind Steve to pack a lunch, and more.

Steve’s been trying to repay the favors the best way he can. He fills up Billy’s water before practices, he puts ice packs in Billy’s fridge when he’s over at his apartment after they meet up, he invites Billy over so he can have food to eat after practice. 

Steve’s currently sitting at his tiny kitchen table and trying to get some reading for his english lit class done. It’s surprisingly easier than he thought it would be. He wants to quit immediately. 

Luckily he gets a call from his phone. He doesn’t even check who it is before he answers it, happy to be distracted temporarily. 

“Hey Stevie, what’s your favorite classical song?” 

“What the fuck? Billy? Why are you asking me this?”

“I should be asking you why you’re still up this late. I have a real excuse, I’ll bet you don’t.”

“It’s not late, it’s…3:00?”

“Baby, go to bed.” 

“No I’m busy.” Steve knows his tone doesn’t sound convincing at all, but he doesn’t really give a flying fuck. It is three in the morning, after all.

“Oh yeah, that’s why you answered your phone.”

“You’re the one who called.”

“Yeah, speaking of that tell me your favorite classical song and I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.”

“Fine. Why exactly do you need to know this?”

“To prove a point.”

“And what point is that?”

“I’ll tell you after.”

“What are we considering classical?”

“Mostly Orchestral and classically composed.”

“Gee, thanks.” Steve stops to think about his answer. “I love clair de lune. It’s a hard one to pass over.”

“Pretty boy, I hate to say it but it sounds like you’re a basic bitch.”

“Hey! I’m your basic bitch, so be careful. Plus, I didn’t say that was my final answer.

“Sure baby.” Steve is reeling how Billy just… let him say he was his and not have any fight in him. He sure as hell doesn’t know what they are anymore.

“So what’s your answer?” 

“Does Cavatina count?”

“Did I say guitars counted?”

“No.”  
“That answers your questions.”

“You sound like my teachers.” 

“Come on Stevie, answer my question.”

“Jesus, fine. Adagio for strings.”

“Good.”  
“Now can you tell me what this is for?”

“I’m trying to prove to some fuckers that cool people actually listen to classical music.” Steve can tell by the way that Billy says “some fuckers” he’s talking about his teammates, most likely on the bus back from some game. 

“Aw, you think I’m cool.”

“Don’t push it. I tried four other people before I settled on you.” 

“I’m touched. Are you on the bus?”  
“Yep.” 

“Well you should probably get some sleep, I’m guessing you’ve got practice tomorrow?” Steve tries not to let the hopefulness in his voice creep through too much. 

“Actually, no. Coach decided to stay with his family for the weekend so we have some time off. I can come over tomorrow night if you want.” In the background of Billy’s voice the sound of his teammates whooping and hollering is loud, and Steve hears Billy shushing them. Steve’s guessing they don’t know it’s him on the other end of the phone or else they would be having a different reaction. 

Their call ends, and Steve decides he’s actually going to get some sleep. It has nothing to do with the fact that Billy told him to, no sir. He just got tired all of a sudden. 

The next night Billy comes over with beer, and Steve has pizza ready. Of course, Billy comes over looking like a goddamn model. He’s wearing a jean jacket, covered in the back with vintage patches over a black t-shirt that Steve can’t imagine he got anywhere but an antique store, which is an image in itself. The top part of his hair is tied up in a bun, the bottom half curling around his face.  
They don’t have a plan or anything, but Steve doubts anything is going to happen. They’ve… slowed down with the fucking are are suddenly more committed to getting to know each other. 

“You wanna eat on my roof? I don’t really want my apartment to be smelling like pizza for hours. 

“Sounds good” 

They walk upstairs in silence. The air is warm against Steve’s face, and he takes a deep breath in against his racing heart. Odd how Billy makes his heart beat so quickly both when he’s there and when he isn’t. 

Steve drops the pizza on one of the chairs, and Billy drops the beer next to it. They walk over to the rail, overlooking the campus from a distance. Billy leans one of his hips against the rail, facing Steve.

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.” These are the words that Steve had been dreading. The inevitable I’ve found someone better, someone less complicated, someone that won’t cause me my future. 

“Okay, shoot.” 

“Well, we’ve been doing this,” Billy mentions between them, “for a while. I just feel like…” He trails off, and Steve doesn’t know if he wants him to finish. He catches Billy’s eye, and gives him the most encouraging smile he can. 

“If you feel different just let me know. I’m not looking for any pity. You’re a great person, and I don’t want us to loose any good thing we have, especially not if it proves a bunch of bastards wrong. What I’m trying to say is, despite my best efforts, you mean. a lot to me. I know we agreed at the beginning of this that we wouldn’t do this, and if that’s what you want then I can’t give that to you. I-“

“I want that too. I, God, I think I’ve wanted this for a while, and I was scared to tell you because I didn’t know if you-“

“Of course I do.” 

Steve is useless to do anything but smile at Billy, blushing embarrassingly. Luckily Billy is just staring at Steve with a dopey smile on his face. A part of Steve is recognizing it as love-struck. 

A sudden fear goes through Steve. Relationships mean spending the night, they mean knowing, truly knowing a person, possibly more than anyone’s ever known him. Best to get that over with now, right? That’s how these things are supposed to work, right?

“Now that we’re, uh, doing this thing you should probably know something.”

“Okay, go ahead.” 

“Well I think you know I wasn’t that close to my parents. They weren’t very available for me, emotionally or physically. They don’t really have an excuse, they’re just shitty at being parents. 

So, naturally, they weren’t supportive when they found out I was gay. I didn’t even tell them or anything, they just found out. Maybe they had some 

sort of monitoring app or some shit, I don’t know. My mom stopped looking at me in the mornings, stopped meeting me in the eye. 

My dad, well he’s a different story. He started pushing me out of the house, keeping me away from anyone that could ruin his position, like he was some big businessman in New York and not a mildly successful small town salesman. 

During my senior year it got worse. He didn’t want me to be at school, didn’t want me to have any chance of not feeling alone. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, I wasn’t allowed to see people, and everyone just stopped remembering to ask if I was okay. He kept insulting me, pushing me away but keeping me in that fucking house, staring at the same walls, watching the same movies.” 

Steve doesn’t really have anything else to say. There is not much else to it. 

“Steve” Steve’s hands are fluttering at his side nervously, cautious of Billy’s tone. It’s not often that Billy calls Steve by his first name, generally preferring nicknames and insults, and it doesn’t sit well. “Steve, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through that. It’s fucked up that there are still people like him. It’s no surprise but my dad wasn’t so great about me coming out either. He… wasn’t a great person by any means, and probably an even worse father.” Billy’s tone hardens, his face turning impassive and stony. “He actually hated me. Couldn’t stand that his son was gay. Better to have no son at all in his eyes. He told me not to act out, to try and at least pretend not to be a freak. After that didn’t work he tried to beat it out of me.” Steve wishes to God Billy seemed like he was lying. The pain on his face is real though. 

Steve feels his breathing pick up, and his eyes get that painful prickle at the back that means she’s trying to hold back tears. Rather unsuccessfully too. 

Steve can’t breathe. The look on Billy’s face is breaking his heart, He doesn’t even seem upset. Somehow Steve is the one needing comfort through this. Billy walks over to him, wrapping an arm gently around his waist and cupping his face with a touch soft enough to make the tears fall from Steve’s lashes. He buries his face in Billy’s shoulder, trying to stifle sobs for the pain that Billy’s had to go through. 

“Hey, pretty boy, it’s okay, I’m okay now. I’m here with you now, yeah? My strong boyfriend who isn’t going to let anyone but him talk shit like that about me.” Billy’s trying to deflect, trying to take care of Steve, but that’s not what Steve wants. Steve wants to see Billy, wants to take care of him, so he picks up his head and looks into beautiful blue eyes. 

God, those eyes. Hiding so much from everyone else but open so Steve. Far more familiar to him than his own eyes, containing multitudes of lives being lived at once. Brother. Boyfriend, Baseball star. Life of the Party. Caretaker. Friend. 

Steve wished he didn’t understand how anyone could hurt Billy. Wishes they lived in a world where they could just be them, or where they could walk down the street and not get whispers and looks.

Billy untangles himself from Steve’s arms, wiping away one of Steve’s tears. He reaches behind his head to yank off his shirt, revealing a crisscross of scars on Billy’s torso and back. Scars that, somehow in the months of digging his nails along lines, he had never cared enough to notice. Or, even worse, he had brushed off. 

All the moonlight in the world couldn’t hide the scars crossing Billy’s back. Scars that Steve hadn’t cared enough to notice until now. Steve knows those are scars from baseball or any other sport Billy’s played. Those aren’t from the fights he used to get in, or the few ones he still gets in. No, those scars criss crossing his back are from one person, a repeated offense against his boyfriend. 

“You’ve sat there and listened to me talk about my shitty dad when you had to go through this? Jesus, Billy, I thought my dad was an asshole.”

“He was.” Billy’s sentence is final, not leaving any room for Steve to respond, which is fair because Steve was definitely going to try to. “Just because my situation at home might of been worse than yours doesn’t mean that you’re wasn’t bad. There’s not enough time on earth for us to feel bad for each other’s past and say that the other had it worse.” 

Steve does know what to say. He’s angry at himself for not knowing about this part of Billy’s life. When he finally does speak it comes out much weaker than he intended. “But he hurt you.” 

Billy’s reply is just as soft. “Baby, people get hurt all the time. We’ve hurt each other, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” Steve must make some sort of indignant noise because Billy shushes him softly. “I know it’s bad. I know that. I’m not going to try and say it doesn’t matter or that I don’t let it bother me, because it does and I have to live with that every single day. I’ve been through hell, but that makes my time with you so much better.”

His voice got incredibly softer. “Bambi, just because you can see my scars doesn’t mean they’re more painful than yours. Even if they are it doesn’t matter because we’re together now. You take care of me, I take care of you, that’s what this means. 

Steve doesn’t know what any of this means. Apparently they're together now? Is this some sort of cruel trick of desire, the one person he’s told about this knows what it’s like? 

Maybe his life’s sliding away into the hands of Billy. Maybe he can let him take care of him. Maybe he can have someone to trust, someone to help, someone to love.

No, he can’t go there, not tonight. This is just some consequential emotion from spilling his heart and reviving the numb honesty in return. 

Steve doesn’t know what’s happening, but Billy’s hugging him close and he smells like the leather from his car and pizza. His hair is soft from where Steve’s face is tucked into it. His hand is warm and strong where it’s pressed against Steve’s back. 

He can’t focus on being anything but Billy’s right now. Anything that makes him think too much seems like it’s going to make him cry, and he wants to avoid them as much as possible.

He’s Billy’s now. He has someone to lean on. Maybe it’s not so bad to fall in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I GOT IT OUT A DAY BEFORE it was going to be a month since i last updated yikessssss
> 
> they’re happy! they’re communicating!! maybe we’ll see some more of them in a next part ;)


End file.
